johnsu01 (johnsu01) wrote,

The Local News, Part 3: BRUTAL BEATING

Read Part 2 Here.

BRUTAL BEATING was the follow-up story to BRAZEN ASSAULT. The valuable subliminal real estate in the lower right corner of the screen was now regally occupied by BRUTAL BEATING. The font was of course different, and the layout was nattily arranged so that BRUTAL was centered above BEATING.

Which made me realize; someone actually fucking designs these things. Somebody is at their desk talking dirty to Photoshop just cranking these suckers out. The words stroll in from the headlines department, or maybe just from editorial, and these artists just have to roll with it. You've got to make Dan Rather look good in make-up, and you've got to make BRUTAL BEATING look good in a Sans Serif. How exactly do you choose the font? Something like a military stencil is probably a little overboard for BRUTAL BEATING, and Wing Dings is obviously right out. So, do we go with a nice Helvetica? I would imagine that Impact got played out in short order..

I would not be surprised, if upon checking the tape, you heard BRUTAL BEATING said precisely the same number of times as BRAZEN ASSAULT was in the previous piece.

This story, though, was far more egregious in its obvious inaccuracies. First of all, there was no beating. The whole thing was on surveillance tape. They showed the tape, three times. It was no Smack Down. Two guys in hoodies came over the counter at a convenience store. One guy pushed the clerk around while the other tried to open the register (he could not). No punches were thrown. The clerk remained on his feet the entire time. By definition, it is not a beating if you stay standing, and it is not brutal if you are still able to push back, which the clerk was doing. In fact, rather than BRUTAL BEATING, I would have titled this story, PLAYGROUND NEAR-SCUFFLE. However, that may have been more difficult to center, and I'm not sure what sorts of font problems adding a hyphen would cause.

But ok, fair enough, it was still a crime, and still an assault and a robbery attempt. In between plays of the tape, the clerk was being interviewed on camera. No marks on his face. [(if (null black-eye) (setq beating nil))] Here's the real kicker. The voice-over reporter chimes in, "With this horrifying video, we were obviously able to get EXCELLENT descriptions of the suspects." (Emphasis belonged to the "journalist".) Ok, yeah, these two guys were on tape the whole time, nothing covering their faces, so let's see these descriptions.

SUSPECT 1: Black Male
           Hooded Sweatshirt

You're fucking kidding me.

           Hooded Sweatshirt

The announcer added the helpful detail, not shown in the graphic (somebody made that too), that the two brutal beaters weighed in at around 160 LBS. Well, the police should have no problem picking those two up, once they figure out if the second guy is black or not (emphasis mine). I guess, really, I should be happy about that bit. The police are most times awfully certain that the suspect is black even when they're not. This lack of confidence could be a healthy thing.

Continuing to watch this, though, is not. Click.

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