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Epistolary Whining [04 Feb 2005|06:16pm]
To: My Mailman

Re: My fucking mail

My mailbox has a lid. When it's raining, please fucking shut it. Otherwise, my mail gets wet. To close the lid, put your hand on the lid and make a downward motion, as if you were fending off a ferocious dog.

If there are any AOL CDs in the box that are so tall they prevent proper closing of the box, please forward them to the AOL corporate offices with a message reading, "Recipient not at address. Recipient left no forwarding address, but did show his ass. Recipient requests you stick this where your service don't shine."

The guy with the mailbox. You know, the one with the lid.

P.S. Where the fuck is my bus? I've been waiting here for 20 minutes.
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Super Bowl means Super Facts [04 Feb 2005|10:55pm]

I clicked on a Wal-Mart banner ad.

It took me to walmartfacts.com.

In the left column:

Super Bowl Means Super Facts. Wal-Mart expects to sell enough party trays to equal 18 Sears Towers in Chicago if laid end-to-end.

In the right column:

Plastic shopping bag recycling program will reduce waste...

I'm sure the one plastic shopping bag program will make up for the 18 Sears Towers of plastic party trays.

The facts from the rest of the 18 Sears Towers article, are horrifying, nearly as horrifying as the idea that Wal-Mart considers these things to be positive PR. Apparently, we have different values.

Wal-Mart customers typically use more than 4.7 million pounds of ice in the three days leading to the Super Bowl. That is roughly equal to the weight of 26 blue whales or 286 African elephants.

If you were going to serve all of the pizzas that will be sold Super Bowl week at Wal-Mart to the spectators at Super Bowl XXXIX (39), they would have to eat 61 pizzas each.

13.2 million pounds of guacamole will be consumed on Super Bowl Sunday.

If we took the number of salsa jars sold at SAM'S CLUB in the last 52 weeks and set them side by side, it would fill 700 football fields.

On average, each club sells enough wings to cover the length of 29 football fields.

Make sure you recycle those plastic bags, people. Because there's not going to be any room left in the world for them once Wal-Mart's customers finish eating and disposing of their chicken bones and salsa jars after Sunday night.

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